expectations.

i often wonder why human beings maintain the same standard of treatment, after being blown off and beaten down and simply left behind by so many. we make friends, have relationships, persist family members, and easily get screwed six ways to sunday by all three. yet, we carry on, to the next, and to the next, still expecting that one of these times it's going to happen for us. someone is going to stick around, and they are damn well going to like it.

as a realist, i see the chances of this happening as one in a million, however i have come to realize that i, too, am a victim of wide-eyed hopefulness, that starry persistence, that someday, just maybe, someone will stay. they won't disappear for no reason after racking up an impressive history. they won't swear it's not you, it's them, until they are blue in the face. they won't ask for help and then hit the road the second you've helped their storm blow over. i, myself, do not agree with the institution of human relationships. never have, and probably never will. but that does not mean that in the wee hours, when the lab has grown silent, and my cd starts skipping, and my hair isn't wearing as well as it did yesterday, it doesn't mean that i'm fine with the gaping void of self-reflectiveness. it doesn't mean that i'm happy because i can't be stabbed in the back if no one is there. it doesn't mean that i'm okay with how things are.

i still catch myself, yes even me, putting it all out there, thinking that i have a true friend in this one, that i have really made a good decision by letting this one in. i'm always wrong. and it is not fair.

but that is the price of believing in something that has the odds stacked against you. and the day i stop learning from it is the day i'll pack up my emotional tent, and move it somewhere that no one knows about. much like walden... i'll love in the woods.