wild horses.

sometimes when i'm sad i color. crayola rainbows douse the page with life. the black lines no longer just two dimensional ideas of what could be. sometimes when i'm happy i dance. right under the sun. on the green of the grass, cartwheels and energy, like a big sparkly volcano of enthusiasm. sometimes when i'm mad i run away. and i absorb the feeling of trees and the sky. and once in awhile; i cry. and i live out these moments, that make up my days, and i try to remember the feeling. i recall the scents. the scenery. i recall the words, the actions. but i can't conjure the feeling, or even a shadow of it within. i don't want to believe that happiness amounts to the perfect storm of the right place and the right time, the right air and the right faces. it isn't so shallow. this perfection, this ideal, we live our entire lives in search of... it can't be.

right?

two and three quarter days later i found myself on the corner of fremont street.

window shopping and bad lenses. faint reflections, a fallen daisy, and a feeling i will never forget. daintily composed i saw the image of a girl smiling, glint in her eyes telling stories of mischief, mutely striped sweater misbuttoned, old chucks scuffed with her past, pulling on a rainbow knitted cap to hide the windblown story that was her darkened hair. she had a smile like a bug zapper and a flower behind her ear. i studied her through the glass, the emotion radiating from her, over a single flower she'd found at her feet... and then it hit me.

there is nothing shallow about a sigh of relief, about a rush of oxytocin, about a smirk of satisfaction. these tiny pieces of life make up our stories, written word by word, page by page. at the end, happily ever after, means happy until sleeping beauty gets pms. happy until cinderella gets a crush on that guy at the liquor store... and prince charming stops coming home.

the sun is brightest when it's still dark outside.

thank you sun, thank you cinderella, and thank you fremont street window cleaners (and your 'see your face or it's free' guarantee)-- without you, this revelation would not have been possible.